I’ve often been told that I was born with a book under my nose. I learned to speak when i was one and learned to read when I was five. Books to me were a miracle. Pages to look forward to, new worlds to meet and new friends to make. I relish my books partly because these friends I make rarely judge me.
When I was fourteen I learned that I was fat. A family member pointed out in a family vacation, said I should lose weight as the world was unkind to fat women. With all the naivety of a fourteen year old I declared, no there would be people who respect me for who I am and not what I look like. I learned to diet, I learned to exercise. Of course I learned to cheat too. I also was a victim of maladies which only resulted in me putting on a lot more weight.
Once I turned eighteen, there I was out into the world away from the protected school and home environment, where I learned how miserable people can make you because of how you look. That family member was right; the world is unkind almost to the point of being cruel to fat women.
I’ve learned over the years to cringe away from mirrors in the dressing rooms, glances from men, learned to tense myself be on the defense for the insult coming from the "popular" girl's mouth. I’ve learned to live with comments like "you hardly eat" how do you put on weight? And the concern of well meaning professors who ask if I have thought of aerobics. I learned ways to keep myself invisible. A doer by nature, it is not an easy task. I was the go to girl. If you wanted to run for student council id be your campaign manager. If you want to organize a debate I was the stage manager, if you wanted a last minute write up in the college paper to fill the blanks I was your girl. I always worked behind the scenes trying to keep the spot light away.
I learned how to slip to the back row of a group photograph, how to dress in shades of gray, black and brown. I’ve learned to not let it bother when guys treat me like their bud and most importantly learned how to not let it bother me when people rarely complemented me on how I look.
There are a hundred words which could describe me - smart, talkative, kind, frank etc. But the word a lot of people picked for me was fat. When I turned twenty two I went out into the world, wearing invisible armour fully expecting an array of barbed comments. However I was pleasantly surprised. I got a good job. I was and am respected by my colleagues for my intellect and my ethics. As I listen to problems of abusive mother in laws, workaholic husbands, burden of debts I soon learned that there are worse things than not liking how you look. I learned that there are more terrifying things like losing your mom, your dad, your husband or god forbid your child.
Ultimately I realized the truth - the truth that I'm all right the way I am. I was all right , all along. I will never be thin, but I know I will be happy. I will love myself and my body for what it can do - because it is strong enough to lift, walk, read and most importantly helps another person. All of us look for Prince Charming, but if he never shows up or worse yet comes along takes an appraising glance at me and passes on I will learn to live with that. Because I am worth more than that.
Remember that the next time you think your life has ended because of an unkind word, a breakup or the disregard of people you thought were your friends.
