Monday, November 7, 2011

Lessons learned

I’ve often been told that I was born with a book under my nose. I learned to speak when i was one and learned to read when I was five. Books to me were a miracle. Pages to look forward to, new worlds to meet and new friends to make. I relish my books partly because these friends I make rarely judge me.


When I was fourteen I learned that I was fat. A family member pointed out in a family vacation, said I should lose weight as the world was unkind to fat women. With all the naivety of a fourteen year old I declared, no there would be people who respect me for who I am and not what I look like. I learned to diet, I learned to exercise. Of course I learned to cheat too. I also was a victim of maladies which only resulted in me putting on a lot more weight.


Once I turned eighteen, there I was out into the world away from the protected school and home environment, where I learned how miserable people can make you because of how you look. That family member was right; the world is unkind almost to the point of being cruel to fat women.



I’ve learned over the years to cringe away from mirrors in the dressing rooms, glances from men, learned to tense myself be on the defense for the insult coming from the "popular" girl's mouth. I’ve learned to live with comments like "you hardly eat" how do you put on weight? And the concern of well meaning professors who ask if I have thought of aerobics. I learned ways to keep myself invisible. A doer by nature, it is not an easy task. I was the go to girl. If you wanted to run for student council id be your campaign manager. If you want to organize a debate I was the stage manager, if you wanted a last minute write up in the college paper to fill the blanks I was your girl. I always worked behind the scenes trying to keep the spot light away.



I learned how to slip to the back row of a group photograph, how to dress in shades of gray, black and brown. I’ve learned to not let it bother when guys treat me like their bud and most importantly learned how to not let it bother me when people rarely complemented me on how I look.



There are a hundred words which could describe me - smart, talkative, kind, frank etc. But the word a lot of people picked for me was fat. When I turned twenty two I went out into the world, wearing invisible armour fully expecting an array of barbed comments. However I was pleasantly surprised. I got a good job. I was and am respected by my colleagues for my intellect and my ethics. As I listen to problems of abusive mother in laws, workaholic husbands, burden of debts I soon learned that there are worse things than not liking how you look. I learned that there are more terrifying things like losing your mom, your dad, your husband or god forbid your child.



Ultimately I realized the truth - the truth that I'm all right the way I am. I was all right , all along. I will never be thin, but I know I will be happy. I will love myself and my body for what it can do - because it is strong enough to lift, walk, read and most importantly helps another person. All of us look for Prince Charming, but if he never shows up or worse yet comes along takes an appraising glance at me and passes on I will learn to live with that. Because I am worth more than that.



Remember that the next time you think your life has ended because of an unkind word, a breakup or the disregard of people you thought were your friends.

15 comments:

  1. i compliment you arts :). I think we are moving towards a western concept in India also, hence all this propaganda of judging someone by how they look. Am glad you made it through

    ReplyDelete
  2. a double thumps up rt... thats how one should think of themselves. that they are the best as they are.. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. priya8/11/11

    rt am getting a flash back of how you consoled me when guys called me "attu" figure. I think you did pretty well even in college. taking no nonsense from people. Hey and guys loved you, you could easily relate to them. although I wonder what prompted this post?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Guys i need constructive criticism here. It is to be a main article highlighted as a response to a string of suicides. So come on.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ughh, arts i know what you mean. But i thought you handled it pretty well in college. You were there like our leader in the "us" versus "them" battle. And yes i second priya on this, you always got along pretty well with most guys.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @anbu and priya: Girls come on, i am not a super woman :).. The connecting with the guys deal. you include Manchester united ronaldo schumacher and federer in a conversation and thats all you need to connect to most guys :). Like i said easy to be their bud. Do you think this would make an impact on those girls. Imagine how many more suffered? It bothers me a great deal

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your last statement sounds unfinished. True, you dont have to be a brave warrior to put up with bully & harsh words, nothing wrong in crying yourself to sleep about a bad day - wishes for a strong shoulder to cry on. Its a moments decision to end your life which needs bravery to commit the action. But one can definitely use that moment to rethink to face the rest of their life a better way.

    ReplyDelete
  8. senthil kumar9/1/12

    no one can speak more abt a problem but the victims.... but you felt good only after knowing that there are more problems worse than urs, who will tell that to the others victims. you should thank ur colleagues for making you understand what life is all about but still not knowing you realized and not in grasping distance for their hands.

    ReplyDelete
  9. @Senthil: I disagree with your view point that victims understand the situation better than others. Not that i am portraying arts here as a victim, but sometimes outsiders present a better view of how things work as when your involved very often you are biased

    ReplyDelete
  10. well ashok in a way i agree with senthil. When you are part of the problem you understand things more clearly. In my case i wouldnt call myself a victim. I rose above most of the crap thrown at me, mostly by my own efforts. The idea that people commit suicide for something as simple as a cruel word is what upsets me the most.

    ReplyDelete
  11. @arts just now reading your blog. Come on girl. you were a hit with the guys. This is a girl who says " Have you seen the legs on Katrina?". The guys love you. But yes i understand what you mean. Which i hope you are over by now. As with regards to what ashok says i agree completely. When you are a victim rarely do you see the actual harm and benefits associated. And Senthil? New reader eh :)?

    ReplyDelete
  12. @ashok i am happy for your disagreement thats wen we can have an healthy conversation. but i told victims can speak more abt a problem and not know better abt a problem, if they could have understood the problems from an higher prospective there wouldnt have been more suicides. wen we are into a problem we are pre occupied with so many external factors rather than concentrating on the core issue, wen we understand we are not called as victims....
    @ renuka i am RT's new colleague... we were into some other discussion i was en routed this blog and got awe struck seeing this healthy conversations, so joined in it by giving my view point....

    ReplyDelete
  13. @senthil: Welcome. Arts blogs are often good to read and stir the pot. Well problems are always known to victims more.. In any situation. However in this situation i feel talking encouragingly is not going to make a difference. They dont want to see that they are in trouble, so are they going to listen? That is the the question here.

    ReplyDelete
  14. @renuka exactly that is what i am trying to reiterate. the main reason is everyone in our society wants to be loved and appreciated for their activities and behaviors. Most of them are appreciated went they get good grades,be kind to someone,win a competition and so forth... wen something goes wrong their inner sense of "what others will think" comes into play and preoccupies their mind. so wen someone tries to help them they get offended. trying to show they are normal....

    ReplyDelete